When my husband came home in 2012 telling me he'd met a young, homeless man on the street who was struggling with substance use disorder, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. When he said he wanted my assistance, I truly struggled to see how we could be helpful. We had no experience with addiction or recovery and knew nothing about the specific needs of individuals and families challenged with use disorder. What could I possibly offer? The answer to that question was what ultimately motivated me then and what later launched me into a coaching career. While I didn't know much at all in regard to substance use and recovery, I did know a lot about the value of connection and its role in building a strong family. I knew about the role of healthy advocacy and about the possibilities that are created when an individual is truly SEEN and HEARD. I decided to dive in and had faith we would figure the rest out. And for a while, we did.
If someone would have told me during those early days that this boy from the street would eventually become like another son to my husband and me, or like a brother to my three boys, I would never have believed them. But for two years that young man spent weekends at our home, celebrated holidays with us, and became a part of the fabric of our family. We were with him when he served jail time, went through recovery, lived in sober living homes, struggled with independence and the many other challenges of use and early recovery. We did the best we could to love and support him, be an inspiration of possibility, and learn what we could along the way.
During those years, he got a job, worked a 12-step program, and created a social life with other people in recovery who supported his new choices. For a couple of years this worked really well. Until it didn't. On the Sunday before Thanksgiving, while on his way home from a retreat with his AA brothers, he called to say he'd relapsed. Despite much collective effort, we did not find a detox facility with an opening that night. We were advised by the hospital to find a detox placement the next day. We were told because he had been 3 days without his drug, he was "through the worst of it" and the medication he was given at the hospital would keep him comfortable through the night. At the time we didn't even know what we didn't know. Our education was limited, we were scared, and our support system at that time was small.
There were many things that happened in the course of the next 2 days: cryptic messages, unanswered texts, reports from friends, but the very short, very sad ending to the story is we received a call on Thanksgiving morning from his sponsor informing us we had lost our “bonus son” to an overdose. Our boy, whom we had grown to love deeply and who had made such progress, was now simply gone. To say we were devastated is an understatement.
His passing was a forceful turning point in my life. I knew our efforts to love this boy and wrap him in a family and support structure had a time in his life of feeling complete love and acceptance. Without knowing it, we had contributed to his recovery rather than his addiction and we had loved him without expecting a certain result. In many ways, I was Being Loving Mirror™ before I knew what that was! I am forever changed because of this young man and I am incredibly passionate about helping others so learning can come, as much as possible, before heartache. I now know so much more than I did then. My search after his death to find a way to get more educated and in turn help others led me to The BALM™ method of family recovery. Within it, I found learnings that apply to ALL the relationships in my life. It's methodology closely matched my experience, transformed my style of communication and reinforced my commitment to stay connected to the people I love, despite what their behavior might be. I learned how to confidently help people become their loved one’s best chance. Today I help people learn that seeing objectively and communicating more effectively can make a difference not only in the outcome, but in the day to day relating to one another. We can be connected to the people we love...no matter what..., and when we are connected, educated, and committed to healthy ways of being...both ours and theirs...so many other things become possible. I am committed to passing it on.
