December 09th, 2015

Grief is a painful and complicated process that we all unfortunately  deal with at some point in our lives.  Although it is different for all of us, losing someone at the holiday time or moving through the holidays even years after a loss is challenging for everyone and often times we get stuck.  If this is something you're dealing with this year, I'm hoping that how I'm coping with my recent loss can shed light on your situation and bring you through your grief just a little more gently.

My family and I suffered a great loss on Thanksgiving Day this year with the passing of a 27 year old man named Dale. His story is a complicated one.  Simplified I can say  he came into our lives two years ago greatly in need...mostly of love.  In a way that I would never have believed possible, he became a part of our family...like a son to my husband and I, like a brother to my boys. Although we unfortunately have not been strangers in the loss department in recent past, this time we lost someone who was young, unexpectedly, in a senseless way...a triple whammy that has sent us reeling.

Now that the services are over, we are feeling the pressure of "getting back to normal"  and we're feeling it at a time of year when not much seems normal anyway:  We have much more on our "to do" list and our routines are disrupted;  every weekend is booked with a get together or event; it's a "happy time of year" and we're not happy.  The question of just HOW to reestablish normalcy before we're ready to 'move on" looms.  

In an effort to move through this time gracefully, I've set an intention list for myself...a rule book or permission slip. It is my highest hope that something here will help you to begin moving gracefully as well.

1.  Pay attention to the need for self-care.  
Although the list of things to do may be long, I will take care of myself while moving through it.  I'll remember to  listen to the inner voice that is telling me to take some time to be still and just be.  

2.  Gratefully accept the offers from friends and family.
How many times have I been the person offering to help a friend or lend a listening ear?  And don't I always feel so good for being able to be of service to someone else?  I need to thankfully accept the gestures coming my way now knowing that I'm allowing someone else to feel good about helping me.

3.   Opt out of a few things without guilt.
I feel a certain pressure, even with my grown children, to "make it a nice holiday" but I'm going to give myself permission to opt out of some things when they don't feel right. I'll stick to the important stuff and let the little things go.  I trust that my well meaning friends who are trying to cheer me up will understand that I am just not ready to go out for a good time yet.

4.  Find something to be grateful for and focus on it.
I acknowledge that I will feel this loss in such simple, everyday ways.  My special time with Dale was always catching up over a cup of tea.  Right now it doesn't feel like a cup of tea will ever be the same, and yet I can choose to be grateful of that, too.  Each cup of tea can be a gentle reminder of some wonderful conversations and although they were short lived, I'm grateful to have had them.  I will chose to have a cup of tea and remember something good.

5. Finally, find honor in an everyday activity.
I light candles in my home almost every day...they smell nice and make my house feel homey.  In the coming days I will  light my candle with the intention of honoring Dale....sending love to him and a prayer of peace wherever he is.